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How seaweed can save a vegetarian
Andy-overboard - 9/10/2007 12:49 AM
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Category: Personal
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another preface! I really have nothing against vegetarians...honest, but it was too much fun to take a look at a book of pacific coast seaweeds and compose a little note. How seaweed can save a vegetarian The great thing for my dive buddy Jesse being a vegetarian diver is that he needs he has everything that he needs for food, clothing, letting that feminine side or managing a number of personal problems that could arise while diving in our waters. For his main course Jesse might choose a little sea asparagus (salicornia depressa) daintily eaten with a Flat-tipped Fork Weed (Gymnogongrus linearis) and followed with Red Spaghetti (Gracilaria) and Short Sea Lettuce (Prasiola meridionalis) that my friends with fill any vegetarians little Sea Belly (Gastroclonium subarticulatum). After his meal he might like to go out. He could use his Turkish Washcloth (Mastocarpus papillatus) to clean his Very Slender Rhodomelia (Rhodomela tenuissima) and his Sea Brush (Odonthalia flaccosa) to comb is Beauty Bush (callithamnion pikeanum) or put a Sea Braid (Plocamium cartilagineum) in his Brown Tuft (Etocarpus). For something to wear there is the Feather Boa Kelp (Egregia menziesii) which, like the wearer is described as shallow and subtidal. That would look SIMPLY STUNNING with a Pink Feather Coralline (Corallina officina), little Delicate Sea Lace (Microcladia coulteria), a Winged Rib (Delesseria decipiens) with a Red Fringe (Smithora naiadum) worn high on the hips, a Red Eyelet Silk (Sparlingia pertusa) hat and a matching Red Fan (Neoptilota asplenioides). What a dandy, what a Graceful Coralline (Coralline vancouveriensis). Coralline…you are ready for the street! Before leaving for that opportunistic evening out on the town he should consider slipping a Three Ribbed Kelp (Cymathere triplicate) in the front pocket of his outfit just in case he bumps into the notorious SeerSucker Kelp (Costaria costata) or its close and equally brazen cousin Suction Cup Kelp (Laminaria yezoensis [with the emphasis on YEZ]). Both are well known for their ability to bind their victim with Green Rope (Acrosiphonia coalita) and then beat them to within inches of their sorry lives with the horribly painful Strap Kelp (Lessoniopsis littoralis) or, worse still, the terrible Whip Tube (Scytosiphon lomentaria). If you are ever unfortunate enough to get caught I would strongly suggest that during such treatment you take care to protect your Round Brown Bag (Colpomenia peregrine) lest it should accidentally become more of a Studded Sea Balloon (Soranthera ulvoidea). I would be covering up your Sea Staghorn (Codium fragile [with the emphasis on fragile]) and Tiny Green Balls (Collinsiella tuberculata) with your Sea Palm (Postelsia palmaformis) and heading rapidly for the Old Growth Kelp (Pterygophora californica). If for some reason after all that bad treatment you need to answer the call of nature I suggest that you put on Mermaids Gloves (Dictyota bingamiae) before emptying your Northern Bladder Chain (Cystoseira geminate). If you thing that this is all a bunch on Bull Kelp (Nereocystis luetkeana) then I hope that you fall prey to Bald Sea Hair (Banga spp)…which is almost as good an oxymoron (with the emphasis on mornon) as Small Giant Kelp (Macrocystis integrifolia). But the moral of the story is that if you do see a vegetarian on a boat don`t feel sorry for him, he has almost everything he needs. Just go and get a piece of kelp and hand it to him because, as we all know, even a new vegetarian could use `a little kelp from his friends` PS To avoid censorship I avoided using the mid intertidal weed….Sea Sacs (Halosaccion glandiforme [with the emphasis on gland])…for obvious reasons.