1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I’ve lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I’m positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything."
4. A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food in here."
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. A man complains, "Doc, I can’t stop singing ’The Green, Green Grass of Home.’"
"That’s the Tom Jones Syndrome," explains the doc.
"Is it common?" asks the man.
"It’s not unusual," says the doc.
9. Two cows are standing in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don’t believe you," said Dolly.
"It’s true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at, either.
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog’s cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do?"
"Let’s have a look at him." says the vet. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes.
"I’ll have to put him down" says the vet.
"Just because he’s cross-eyed?" asks the man.
"No, because he’s really heavy," says the vet.
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
14. I went to the butcher’s and wanted to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high "
15. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too!
17. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
18. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, "DAM!"